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Joke of the Month Archive

Joke of the month - September 2010

Divorce VS Murder

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Joke of the month - April 2010

The IRS inspector

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Joke of the month - March 2010

10-Speed

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself .. with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

Joke of the month - May 2009

Dog in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
to disguise the scent, and said, 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
So another dog is pushing her home.'

Joke of the month - April 2009

Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy...
'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Joke of the month - March 2009

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn.
Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
'Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed.
'I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'

Joke of the month - January 2009

The Husband

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man;
'Holy crap, That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

Joke of the month - December 2008

The Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board....'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Joke of the month - November 2008

The Zipper

A woman was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

Joke of the month - October 2008

Great Oppertunity

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Joke of the month - August 2008

Grandpa VS. The IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment which you explain by saying you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about I do a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

Joke of the month - August 2008

Wallys Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:
........'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

Joke of the month - July 2008

The Hat

Murphy went to Mass one Sunday morning,
and the priest almost fainted when he saw him,
since Murphy had never been seen in church in all of his adult life.

After Mass, the priest approached Murphy and said,
'Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass.
What made you decide to do that after all these years?'

Murphy said, 'I have to be honest with you Father;
a while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat.
I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,
and I knew that McGlynn came to your church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass,
and figured he would leave it in the back of church.
So, I was going to leave after your sermon, and steal McGlynn's hat.'

The priest replied, 'Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. So, what changed your mind?'

Murphy said, 'Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't want to steal McGlynn's hat.'

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, 'So, I'm assuming that after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than to burn in hell, right?'

Murphy shook his head negatively and said,
'No, Father; after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
I remembered where I left me hat.'

Joke of the month - June 2008

Demon in a Wheelchair

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,
and loved to charge around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened
and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor,
Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked,
and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!

Joke of the month - May 2008

Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street,
dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately,
there's a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while,
a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag '

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop.
'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes,
right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper
and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes,
I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well that seems only fair,' laughs the cop.
'Okay, good luck! ' 'By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady,
'not everybody pays.'

Joke of the month - April 2008

An Old Farmer

An old farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

'Is your Dad home?' the farmer asked.

'Sorry sir, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your Mum here? '

'No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here?'

'He went with Mum and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do for ya?' The boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment.

'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.

Joke of the month - March 2008

The Nun in Hooters.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

Joke of the month - February 2008

New York woman meets an Indian.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e H-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e H-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered.
"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't falloff."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles..."

Joke of the month - January 2008

The Lawnmower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle." said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss.. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Joke of the month - December 2007

The Purina Diet

I have 4 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every tim e you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??

Joke of the month - November 2007

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Joke of the month - October 2007

THE $10 DRINKING BET

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money jar?"

"Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Audi TT."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first... those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire liter of Blanco tequila, the hole thing, all at once. And... you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm... You've gotta make things right for her!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a liter of Blanco tequila, and then do those other things."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks... then a few more... and then he asks, "Where is la tequila?"

He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming... the pit bull yelping and then... silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "Where's that old woman with the sore tooth?"

Joke of the month - September 2007

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. They agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and repeated the process. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Joke of the month - August 2007

Telephone Repairman

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
The wire connection to the ground rod was loose .
The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Joke of the month - July 2007

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in Wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I Work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly But surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS

Joke of the month - June 2007

The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Joke of the month - May 2007

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago!

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Joke of the month - April 2007

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running.

Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window.

Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow .. wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car.

The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to.. "Pull over!"

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Sometimes law enforcement can be fun!

Joke of the month - March 2007

Underwear Is Important!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...from the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this "true story" of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near their car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood of the car and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by, wearing the shorts he left the house in. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!

Joke of the month - February 2007

I love jokes about attorneys, this one learned a lesson from an old Farmer.

Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer from Seattle went duck hunting in rural Idaho.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Idaho. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule." "
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Joke of the month - December 2006

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......

Joke of the month - November 2006

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore , they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Joke of the month - October 2006

Confusion in the Bathroom...

A man is sitting down on a public toilet when suddenly, the guy in the stall next to him says:
Hi, how are you?
Um...fine, answers the man.
What are you up to? asks the other guy.
I'm traveling, the man says hesitantly.
"Are you coming over soon?"
"Excuse me?"
Mind if I stop over?
What? ARE YOU CRAZY? Don't even think of coming over here!"
Hey, I'll call you back, says the other guy. The idiot in the next stall keeps talkin' to me.

Joke of the month - September 2005

Sorry for the delay in updates but I have been extremely busy as of late. -the Webmaster

A lady brought her sick hamster to the veterinarian. The veterinarian took one look and told the lady that her pet hamster, Cecil, wouldn?t last the night.

The lady said, ?Oh no, I don?t believe that. You didn?t even get lab work done. I want you to take tests and find out what is wrong.?

So, the doctor leaves the exam room and comes back with a Labrador dog. The dog gets up on the exam table and sniffs the hamster, then he jumps down and the doctor takes the lab out of the exam room.

A short while later, the doctor brings back a cat who promptly jumps up on the exam table, and proceeds to look all over the hamster.

When the cat is through, the doctor takes the cat away and comes back with the bill for his services.

The lady looks at the bill and says, ?Why is the bill $150.00 for telling me my hamster is going to die??

The doctor said, ?It would have only been $20.00 but you insisted on lab work, and the cat scan.?

Joke of the month - May 2005

The Stella Awards
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:
This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Joke of the month - April 2005

Funny Flight Attendant Announcements

"Attention, Passengers !"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the inflight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

* * * * * *
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

* * * * * *
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

* * * * * *
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

* * * * * *
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

* * * * * *
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

* * * * * *
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

* * * * * *
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

* * * * * *
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

* * * * * *
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

* * * * * *
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

* * * * * *
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

* * * * * *
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

* * * * * *
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

* * * * * *
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

* * * * * *
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

* * * * * *
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

* * * * * *
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

* * * * * *
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

* * * * * *
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways

Joke of the month March 2005

Have You Seen The New League Rules?

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come bowling.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are on this league, you will need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. You might not be able to bowl above one hundred if you remove anything attached now.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing league night. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-bowlers attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where bowler involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, after league bowling is complete.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to make sure your replacement can manage an average equal or better than yours.

RESTROOM USE:
When using the relief room while your team mates bowl, make sure you don't step in that wet stuff, thus managing to get the rest of the lanes wet when you return. Taking longer than 2 min. will require you to forfeit that game.

LEAGUE FEE'S:
The following taxes have been added to league fee's to cover the cost of teaching bowlers how to become outstanding senior bowlers.

Oil tax $244.40
Stuck finger tax $45.21
Gutter tax $11.61
League tax $61.10
Counter tax $6.11
Waste basket tax $12.22
score tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
Sundry $12.09

------------------------
Total League Fee Increase: $1,222.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our league. We are here to provide a positive experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed at the golf course.

Have a nice week.

The Management

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